Realistically Unrealistic

... Heh.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:50:06 GMT

Two finals down, three to go. In fact, I really should be studying right now ... but who studies history for six hours? Definitely not me. English final was finished as of 9:51 this morning - Good God. Note to self, start essays that you know will take you hours upon hours to complete sooner. The spanish one was finished as of fifteen minutes ago ... I don't think it was an epic fail, being as the majority of the God forsaken thing was vocabulary, but guuuuh. It was looooong. And I officially hate spanish accents, the test proctor ruined them. I can still hear her droning on for the listening section. JUST SHUT UP! WE ALL HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! Cough. Anyway.

So, history final yet tonight, work then math final tomorrow, psych final Wednesday, work then home on Thursday. I can make it! (I hope.)

My roommate is not my mother, is she? *shudder* I don't think I could handle being her spawn. So, if we are all agreed that no, I'm not her kid, why the hell is she acting like I am? My REAL mother never yells at me to study. Why the hell would my roommate do it? I'm like "..." blink. "No. Shut up." And roomie got angry! Yay. Fun. The rest of the week with a pissed off ginger. Squeeee.

But she's leaving Wednesday afternoon, so it's only the rest of today and tomorrow that I really have to deal with her. Once again, I can make it.

Ooooh! I'm going to Chicago over spring break! *dances around like crazed psycho* Well, technically it's the weekend before, but it runs into spring break so I"m counting it as such. So there. xP Yay for fun with Liz! I'm a little scared to fly down by myself; I've never gone on a plane alone before - but I'll get over it. I'd rather be excited than scared anyway.

Hmm... I think that's it for now. My life at the moment is sleep, study, wish for break, study more, eat, take finals, work, and repeat, so not too many interesting things to report on. I just want to sleeeeep.

Ha! In Your Face, NaNoWriMo!

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 20:04:45 GMT

(dances around happily like a crazy person for a full 12 hours, then makes this post.)

Ahem.

I got 50k words yesterday, if you can't tell. I kept writing, and am now at roughly 56k ... Liz and I word warred. For hours. I think I wrote more yesterday than I ever have in my life. *rubs eyes* Anyway, there's still probably another thousand or so for the first draft, and then I get to ... dun dun dun! ... edit. *facepalm* I hate editing more than anything else in the writing process, and I'm not looking forward to it at all, especially since I kept a running doc of things that needed changed/added/cut and know exactly how much work I have ahead of me.

But I go back to the finals cram on Monday. The pile of homework I put off during November is lying on my desk, and I'm going to have to go back to the real world. Soul-Healer will be put on the VERY back burner. :( So, I guess I better finish that first draft today, huh?

Off to write!

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:41:59 GMT

This is just a test-y post for Kait ... cuz she likes making me do things ... haha. I wuv you, KaitKait! :)

Overwhelming...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:22:30 GMT

I knew last week that this week was going to be insane. I think I must have blocked it out of my mind, though, because all of a sudden I feel like I'm drowning. I had a paper due, a quiz, and three short stories to read for today. Tomorrow I'm going to be writing the 10 page paper I have due on Wednesday, along with the one due Friday since I'm not going to class that day, then going to math for a review and after that, work. Wednesday is my already long day - three more short stories due, along with aforementioned ten page paper, two hours of spanish, and three hour lecture block. Thursday is work, math exam, and off to see New Moon with the besties, Friday is up to submit last paper before Thanksgiving break, back to sleep, work, and then home for an entire week on Saturda.

If I can just make it through this week, I'm in the clear. Just this week. I can do it.

(TWA Mods, if I'm a bit incommunicado this week - that's why. Heh. I shouldn't be gone for too long, but just in case.)

Oh, guess what? Over halfway on the NaNo. I hat 27k during psych class today. ;)

Blah, blah, blah ...

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:17:05 GMT

The best feeling in the entire world is when you get tests back that you were sure you failed and see that you got a B or an A on them. That happened to me three times this week, and I'm pretty floored. (Insert obnoxiously happy smiley here.) I don't get to go home this weekend though; I have three papers and two exams next week that I have to be ready for before the New Moon premiere Thursday night/Friday morning. Eep. It's gonna be some weekend. Stuck in the school house with the only roommate I don't like with all of my friends gone ... (Insert unhappy smiley here.)

Pretty much the only other thing I've been doing lately - besides school, I mean - is NaNo. I broke 17k words last night - after deleting about 730 accidentally. The other TWA ladies have been great about keeping me motivated *coughcoughLiz,Nat, and Nicolecoughcough* Our Mod chats are more like all out Word Wars these days ... hell yes, we get stuff done! Lol.

Mkayy... well, I have class in a bit, and I need to go shower. :)

Progress!

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 03:26:32 GMT

NaNo progress....

I just broke 4k with Dr. Wicked's Write or Die. Wheeww.

NaNo Update

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:14:01 GMT

So, Soul-Healer - my NaNoWriMo project - is coming along swimmingly. lol. I'm at a little over 3000 words and still going. It's kind of difficult for me to write since it's so different from my usual style ; third person omniscient, anyone? With an evil MMC and VERY Christian FMC, I'm kind of scared it's going to turn kind of angsty. Not to mention that the first part seems really ... dark and detached when I go back and reread. I think I'm going to put at least some of it up on TWA, so you'll be able to read it then. Unless you're not a TWA member, in which case you should be. :P

Eh, we'll see where it goes.

In other news - one of my friends just informed me that she bought tickets to the midnight premiere of New Moon, and I am going with her. Ok. Well... since I've kind of grown out of that phase, I'm a little scared. But why not? It'll be a good excuse to have a party with all my high school friends, and I haven't seen a lot of them since summertime.

Doodadooda.

Off to NaNo before class.

Prolouge of Untitled.

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:33:20 GMT

I was playing around with a plot for a dream I had a while back about a conwoman who had so many personalities she didn't remember who she was ... and I ended up writing a prolouge when I should have been writing Reincarnate. So, I gave this project a week - and this is what came of it. I'm planning on scrapping what I have and starting over for NaNoWriMo, so I'm posting this here for your reading pleasure.

Enjoy!

“What do I do now?” the eight year old boy sobbed, looking up at a white haired man trustingly. “When are they coming back? Should I wait for them?” His parents would come back. They always did. They loved him. They wouldn’t just go away forever, no matter what the butler said. His parents would never go away forever without taking him along.

“I’m afraid they won’t be, Master Lamien,” the old man said hoarsely, reaching out to his new ward. “But I will take care of you. Always. That is my promise to both you… and your parents.” He finished his oath solemnly, resting his wrinkled hand on his charge’s spindly shoulder.

“Promise?” The young Lamien North asked hopefully, a watery smile forming on his tear streaked face.

“Promise.” John nodded, smiling. “Promise.”

“Ok. Then let’s go home, Jonathan. Mommy and Daddy would yell at me for standing in the rain.” And it was true, the very image conscious North couple would hate that their prodigy was currently not put together correctly, wearing ratty pajamas with Superman embroidered on them, and his dark hair tousled and in his strangely colored eyes.

“As you say, Master North. As you say.” The aging man responded, putting an arm around the child and pulling him into an embrace as they turned and walked away from the past.

The present day, twenty three year old Lamien North snapped back to reality in a cold cemetery, where only he and the pastor remained after the late John Preston’s burial. The man had no family to speak of – he had always said that Lamien was the only family he needed. What a load of bullshit! Family didn’t betray each other. Family loved unconditionally … certain lifestyle quirks wouldn’t affect the opinion of a real family member.

“You shouldn’t have crossed me, old man.” He hissed at the coffin angrily. “I warned you to stay out of the way – I told you that I had it all under control, damn it!” One massive fist came down on the hard wood of the soon to be interred coffin, drawing the attention of the still praying pastor. Lamien didn’t even notice the concerned stare as he stalked out of the cemetery, black dress coat swirling behind him as he left.

The pastor stared after the dark young man, rubbing his balding head thoughtfully. It confused him to no end that the young business tycoon, Mr. Lamien ‘Blaze’ North, in the face of what was probably the worst loss since his parents had died, could only exhibit anger. There were no tears, no grief to be seen – but the well dressed, troubled man had no problem cursing his dead warden.

All was certainly not right in the world of the rich – however, it was not the place of a simple country pastor – even the one Jonathon Preston had requested for his funeral – to butt into such affairs. He would just go home to his wife and try to put the whole incident out of his mind.

*********************

“No, mum, really. I’m fine. You don’t need to come up here …” Alicia Morganstern assured her mother on her cell phone, leaving her maid to clean up in her bedroom. “He wasn’t even that great of a guy – I should have told you, I know – no! That’s not it at all – I didn’t want the tabloids to get the information this time! They had a big enough payday when they found out about me’n Terry – I don’t want them to drag Blaze and I through the wringer too, no matter how much of an asshole he is.” She flicked her mane of blonde hair around her tearstained face in agitation, wincing when she saw the sorry state of her manicure. Grief was no good for the famous teenager – she bit her nails constantly when she was upset, a habit the paparazzi had picked up on early in her career. If they saw her nails like this, she was screwed sideways.

Alicia Morganstern, teen singer celebrity extraordinaire, was a stuck up bitch and did not give a damn about the hired help. She was also a total momma’s girl, having called her mother three times in the past twenty four hours, all due to a break up with the reclusive millionaire, Lamien North – also known as Blaze. Their relationship had been a total secret to everyone but those in Alicia’s household, due to the fact the girl had only just moved out of her parent’s house at eighteen, and the millionaire was twenty three, nearing twenty four, and had been living on his own, supporting himself through his Fortune 500 company for years. Apparently, the man also liked his women, because Alicia had seen him sleeping with an older, more mature woman just the night before – which had lead to them breaking up, which in turn lead to all of those infuriating phone calls to Anna Morganstern.

Shania Veriza had been working for the girl for all of two days, and she had already put all of this together, along with a decent compilation of other tidbits of information, none of which would be useful to her real employer. None of it was the kind of information she was after. So, ever so patiently, the curvaceous woman, dressed inelegantly in a black skirt and t-shirt with a white apron, waited for the young pop star to move to a different room. When the blonde finally left , still crying to her mommy, the maid was left alone to continue her search.

She pushed a vacuum into the middle of the floor, turning it on to cover any noise she was about to make. Gone was the façade of hired help – in its place was a deadly woman who could change any part of her looks, personality, and lifestyle to infiltrate any individual’s life. She never used her real name – she had approximately thirty aliases that she used constantly, keeping everyone away from knowing the real her. The practice kept her secrets safe –being a vigilante wasn’t exactly the easiest career path, and one accrued a few enemies while walking it.

“To work we go,” she whispered to herself, getting down to business. The desk in the corner of the room was first – the drawers contained nothing of interest. There was nothing lying on top, either. Under the bed yielded no answers – the last option in the room, however; the bookshelves, proved to be the most informative.

“All the world’s a stage,” the con woman muttered, lifting an autographed photo of Lamien North that had been cleverly hidden between the pages of a Seventeen Magazine. “And this guy is one Hell of an actor.” On the back of the photo paper was the man’s phone number, and, lo and behold, exactly the information she needed. ‘See you on the fifteenth, babe – I’m in town for the ALA Conference. Wear something sexy, kitten. Lamien.’

The con woman read the message and smiled. This was exactly what she needed – the information that would blow her case wide open. She put the magazine back on the shelf – careful to leave it just as it had been; the page with eyeliner tips dog eared and the cover torn off, lying to the left side.

“Maid! I left my cell charger in there – bring it out!” Her Majesty’s voice rang through the closed door, sounding irritated. She couldn’t be bothered to learn the help’s name, after all. “And while you’re at it, call my manicurist. I need an appointment, ASAP!”

“Right away, Ms. Morganstern,” Shania Veriza, the maid, answered demurely, discreetly slipping the photo and attached note into her underwear band. Tomorrow, the maid would disappear for good. Today, though, she would cater to the singer’s every whim, like a good little nobody. Because that was who she was – nobody. And everybody.

Reincarnate

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 06:26:54 GMT

Due to a recent outbreak of plagiarism on fictionpress, I've decided to stop posting there. Well, almost - I'll be leaving my fluff mini-fic, Unseeing Wisdom, there, since I have no plans of publishing it, or even editing it.

However, Unveiled and Reincarnate have both been removed from there, which makes me sad. I was plagiarized three times - once for Unseeing Wisdom - apparently Matt isn't a good enough name for a lead character, so this person copied and pasted my story, changed the name to Amadeus, of all things, and reposted it, putting their name on it. Unveiled was plagiarized twice - once by a young girl on her blog, and once on Fictionpress, where they didn't bother changing ANYTHING.... they were even updating the same days I did, about an hour later. All the copies have been removed, thankfully, but the damage has been done.

The good news is - since there were only three instances, I am still willing to post Reincarnate and Unveiled, as well as any future pieces I may write, on here. So, I'm starting tonight, I am posting Reincarnate first.

So, here it is, the fruit of my labor for the last, uhm... /counts on fingers/ eight months. Chapter One of Reincarnate. If you read, drop me a comment so I know you're reading, huh? That way I won't decide to stop posting on here and leave you hanging because I don't know you exist.

Title: Reincarnate

Author: evenafterdeath/WishesofImmortality/Addy

Warnings: Cussing. Criminal Activity. Sacreligious discussion.

BIG WARNING: Plagiarists will be killed, after torture.

“Young lady – are you planning on paying for that?” The saleswoman’s voice was stern as she yelled out to me, but I didn’t flinch. The grey haired woman in the business suit wasn’t worth my anxiety – she’d be the one nervous in a second. I’d done this a thousand times before… sure, normally I didn’t get caught… but it didn’t make any difference, really. She’d let me go, just like they always did.

I spun around slowly, deliberately putting the skirt I had nabbed off the shelf into my bag. Since I was wearing a tube top, under fluorescent lights, the black and green viper tattooed on my shoulder blade glinted, drawing the saleslady’s attention to straight to it.

I could tell exactly when she saw it. Her face paled, and her mouth set itself in a thin line – the expression of fear. “No – I’m not planning on paying for it,” I said nonchalantly, lifting my chin in a silent challenge. “Does that answer your question?”

Her jaw trembled for a split second, before it tightened. This old lady was made of tougher stuff than the usual ones – but that didn’t change anything. “Then I’m going to have to insist you come with me.” She said sternly, reaching for my hand.

I pulled away quickly, reaching the same hand into my waistband, as if I were about to draw on her. I didn’t have a gun on me, but she didn’t know that. “And I’m going to have to say ‘screw you’,” I responded easily, flicking my dark hair behind my shoulder. I knew exactly what this woman was seeing on my face – I had practiced the expression for years until I got it right. My green eyes were narrowed into merciless, angry orbs, and my forehead was completely straight, as if I could care less what happened. This was the face of a killer – a face that had scared more than a few people, including a cop or two.

The face worked on this woman, too. She took a step back, fear etched into every line of her aged face. “I – I -,” she stammered, apparently unsure of what to say.

“You, you,” I mocked, a hard laugh pushing itself from my throat. “I don’t care. Just walk away lady, or you’ll see why I’m a Viper.”

The woman took another step back fearfully, the whites of her eyes beginning to show. But she wasn’t leaving. This could end up getting messy – time to split.

I sighed dramatically, sweeping my hair to the other shoulder, as I often did when annoyed. “Ok, fine. You stay here. I’ll head out. Buh-bye.” I spun on my heel and strode out the door, ignoring everything behind me.

That whole situation exemplifies why I loved belonging to the Vipers. Belonging to the most kickass gang in New York City makes life pretty great. I had been living this life since I was five years old, and wouldn’t have changed it for anything. I hardly ever had to pay for anything – why bother when you can just steal it? I have a family, though I was born without one, and even if I make bad decisions, I've got fifty brothers and sisters backing me up, willing to kill for me.

The gang was my life, the center of my existence. I had nothing outside of it, just a bunch of foster families who could care less and social worker who didn’t really know me. Joining up had been the best decision I had ever and would ever make.

Because, after all, anyone bearing the Viper on her shoulder blade in New York was packing and dangerous. The thought was a laugh - I very rarely carried a gun, and when I did, I only used it on rival gang members. I had never killed anyone, and had only shot one person in my entire life. He had tried to shoot me first, and it was a simple case of self defense. In actuality, I was better with hand to hand fighting. But the common people are always ready to believe the worst about a gang banger, and honestly, we didn’t do much to discourage that kind of thinking. It made our missions easier when we weren’t challenged, anyway.

"What'd ya get?” A familiar voice asked, making me jump. My head snapped around, sending my hair everywhere. The motion brought me face to face with Seth – or Navajo, depending on who you were. “Anything good?”

My best friend and mentor stood behind me, his long, lanky frame leaning against his beat-up, 1984 Chevy. An amused smile adorned his Native American features, making me feel like a newbie again, caught erring in the middle of a test.

"Seth!" I whined, forcing the tense muscles in my shoulders to relax as I nervously adjusted the shoulder strap of my too heavy bag. "What the Hell? You scared the shit outta me!”

He waved a hand dismissively, rolling his eyes. "You’ll live.” His eyes were laughing at my nervousness. “Score anything good?" He wanted me to admit I had been caught. Well, nothing doing. I had my pride – he was going to have to do better than that if he wanted me to admit to anything.

I widened my eyes, trying very hard to look innocent. "Huh? I dunno what you’re talking about," I said carefully, running a finger over the small tear shaped tattoo on the webbing of my hand nervously. Lying to Seth was dangerous business even for me, the only person he cared about. If there was one thing my friend couldn’t handle, it was being lied to.

Of course, Seth knew me too well to be fooled by my pathetic attempt at subterfuge. His eyes narrowed, practically throwing sparks. “Really.” He said flatly, his face expressionless. Seth’s temper was legendary throughout the city – and the one thing that really pissed him off was being lied to. I had screwed up, and I knew it. But seriously, he was treating me like I was still a newbie. I didn’t need him following me around and checking up on me.

“Try again.” He said, his voice totally emotionless. I had no idea how to go about fixing this – if I apologized, I’d look weak and lose my dignity. But if I didn’t apologize, Seth was going to stay pissed, and my best friend wasn’t going to be speaking to me for a good long time.

“I’m not going to string you out for kifing something – but I will for lying, and you know it.” Seth prompted me, reminding me that he did care about me. If I were anyone else, he would have knifed me already. That was his favorite weapon – the switchblades he carried, tucked into both of his shit kickers. His black eyes were emotionless now, but I could still see the anger – and hurt – I had caused him shining there. Lying had been what had put Seth on the street, and lying is what kept him there. And I knew that, yet here I was, lying about something stupid that he didn’t even really care about.

I was a bitch.

“I had to grab some new clothes.” I told him softly, my face flushing under his searching look. “Apparently my clothes say that I’m a ‘woman of loose morals’, and I need to ‘become more respectable,’ or I’ll ‘never amount to anything.” I quoted my foster mother’s last words to me that morning, scoffing. As if I was ever going to let me order her around. Foster families, for me, lasted about a month – at most. This one wouldn’t be any different, so I saw no need to conform to this one’s expectations.

I shrugged, continuing on with my story. “Anyway, crazy Pastor lady took all my clothes except the ones I was wearing and left me with Bible selling ‘slacks’, and a bunch of absolutely lovely,” my voice was positively dripping with sarcasm, “turtle neck, shapeless sweaters that she wears to church on Sundays, Wednesdays, and Mondays.” I was getting a little off topic, but maybe reminding Seth of some of the shit I was dealing with outside the gang would help him remember that I cared about him and would never purposely hurt him. He had put up that stupid wall – the one he used with everyone else. The one he never hid behind with me, because I had already seen behind it. And that stung a bit – lying to Seth just wasn’t worth the consequences.

Seth's eyebrows rose, and he gave a wary smile, obviously trying to relax. He knew he was overreacting, I could tell. But his emotions were always all over the place; he’d be fine one minute, angry as Hell the next, and then apologetic within another half-second. He worked really hard to keep himself under control, but it didn’t do him much good. Everyone in the gang thought he was some kind of terrifying hard ass – except for me. I was the only one that saw through all the anger and other bad stuff that he projected to the good guy he was underneath.

“Well...they were awful short, Drey." He told me, in his typical over protective fashion. Seth had brought me to the gang after finding me wandering around the street when I was about five, and because he had brought me to be taken in, it became his responsibility to look after me, a duty he took way too seriously now that I was almost eighteen. He was worse than a father sometimes – with anyone else, I would have told them off and walked away, and probably never bothered with that person again. But this was Seth… my very best friend. The one person on this earth that I would die for. So I let him baby me. Sometimes.

The fact that the old Viper gang leader, Sidewinder, had given him this responsibility when Seth was only eleven -- six years older than I was at the time – helped me cope. He was the best leader the gang had seen in a long time. After he went through all the routes he could think of, he realized that I had been abandoned, and no one was going to come looking for me. Thus, the gang became my family, and he became the closest thing to a father I would ever have.

After he made the decision for me to become a member, he began my chain of foster families by calling the local social work center and had me placed with foster family number one, the Pullmans, in Viper territory. If I was going to be a Viper someday, I had to stay away from rival gangs.

The Pullmans had been great, and to this day remained my favorite foster family. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. When I turned eleven, they had tried to forbid me to see Seth. He was six years older, see, seventeen. And he wore his hair long and had two gang tattoos already... which scared them. When I saw that they were frightened of him… well, let’s just say that all of my respect for them went out the window.

Soon after I realized their fear, they started listing reasons why I wasn’t allowed to see him. He encouraged me to 'engage in activities that were bad for my reputation’ – in other words, gang missions and hanging out with guys. It was somehow his fault that I sucked at school, and every natural disaster and war could be traced back to Seth, as well. Of course – their lies hadn’t fooled me in the least. Seth had been, even that early in my life, my very best friend, and I knew him totally, even back then.

Seth had pretended not to care, though; he told me that I should stay there -- we'd still see each other gang meetings and stuff, after all... but I could see the hurt that course of action caused him, hiding behind that horrible angry façade he projected. Almost immediately I had begun looking for an alternate option. There was an always a better way to do things, if you were willing to look for it.

I went to Sidewinder for advice on how to get my home switched. He hadn’t liked my approach at first, but he warmed up to it when he realized that the Pullmans were willing to move me out of state to get me away from Seth and the gang. They had told my social worker that, and he had told me. It was the worst punishment imaginable, and I hadn’t even done anything to garner such a response. So he had helped me fight it.

And that was how I was arrested for the first time. It’s also what had me carted home in handcuffs, lead to my first drinking binge, and my first gang tattoo. I was so proud of that thing; a glittering Viper, sinking his fangs into my shoulder - I went home and showcased it immediately.

That had been the last straw -- the Pullmans finally couldn't take it anymore and had me transferred. Next was the… Lynwood’s, I think. They lasted about a month – the man was a wife beater, and I wasn’t dealing with that kind of shit on top of my already dangerous existence in the gang. With his anger problems, it was practically too easy to get kicked out of that hell hole… with just a little help from Seth and the gang.

After this, I went from family to family on a regular basis -- no one liked my sneaking out at all hours of the night -- which was kind of important, since most of the Viper’s missions are carried out at night – or the partying that I wasn’t really into, but was obliged to attend. But the worst part was the occasional arrests – no one wanted to claim a girl who had been picked up by the cops more than once. Even though I was good at what I did, I still got caught once in a while – which meant I never expected to be anywhere for more than a few months, at most. I liked living this way… viva la vida loca.

Somehow, through all of the families, I began to be drawn more and more towards Seth, and I think Seth began to see himself as a parental figure towards me. He would make sure I was being fed, show up and threaten any families who were bad to me – and by threaten; I mean scare the shit out of. He actually brought a gun to the family with the child molester as a son. He would watch my back during every mission, bail me out when I got caught, and take care of me if I got injured. The only place that I ever actually called home was his crappy little apartment on River Street because he let me hide out there so often.

Really, it was all beyond ridiculous. I didn’t need a parent, or even a baby sitter, especially in the present when I was about to turn eighteen. I didn’t need a father now. But if babying me was helping Seth live with himself, who was I to take that away from him? He was one of the only important people in my life – Hell, the only one, aside from Sidewinder- and now, Sidewinder was dead. There was no way I was going to risk losing that just to save my pride.

So, when he chided me about my clothes, I simply rolled my eyes and responded, "They were not, Navajo. My clothes are just fine."

"I'm not going to get anywhere in this argument, so let's just go. Cobra sent a text message this morning," Seth knew that the latest foster family had taken my phone away as punishment for breaking curfew -- ha! As if I cared. “And we’re,” he checked his watch swiftly before looking at me, “exactly ten minutes late already.” A smirk danced across his face, clearly laughing at me. He knew I hated being late for anything… it was part of my rather… compulsive personality.

"Shit!" I cursed loudly, causing a few heads to turn disapprovingly along the sidewalk. "I have to change, hang on." I slid into the back seat and slid out of my jeans and slid on the stolen skirt, then pulled off the high necked sweater minister mommy had insisted I wear, planning to just wear the lacy cami I had on underneath. It was better than the sweater, anyway, though I would have preferred to back into the department store and score a new shirt. Unfortunately, the clock was ticking and I had to make do with what I had.

"Ok, Seth, let's go!" I called outside, climbing into the passenger's seat. Seth got in and started the engine and soon we were speeding down the street, rap music blaring.

I reached to turn Usher down, grimacing. I was more into underground rock... you know, All Time Low, My Chemical Romance, Muse... not rap. Yet another thing Seth and I bicker over -- he's really into that crap. Al lot of people wondered how we could fight like we did and still be as close as we were, but the bickering was actually part of what made our relationship work. Seth and I both hated it when we can walk all over someone. If we can fight I out, the other person earns our respect – which is what our whole relationship is built around.

"What's the meeting about? Cobra never calls a meeting unless something's wrong - too lazy." It was no secret... at least to Seth... that I hated our new leader. Sidewinder had been a very important person to me, and when he had been killed in a drive-by with a rival gang, I had mourned heavily. Especially since his successor had made no secret of his attraction to me in the past, going as far as grabbing me and trying to push himself on me. Luckily, either Sidewinder or Seth had been nearby for both encounters, and the sleaze hadn't gotten very far, but still. And then, there was the fact that he was dumb as a box of rocks, and so full of himself that it made me want to slap him. He had named himself 'King' Cobra, as a symbol that he was in charge... just in case we forgot.

"Behave, Drey." Seth cautioned. "He's pissed about something -- damned if I know what, but his message said 'be there or there's gonna be a problem.'" Cobra was an ass, but he never openly threatened anything like that. That could lead to confrontation with someone like Seth – which would wind up with our lovely ‘King’ in his grave, and Seth sitting on his throne. Something was definitely up.

"Oh, goody." I said sarcastically as Seth stopped the car. "He's PMSing."

Seth stopped me as I went to get out of the car, his hand on my arm. His eyes were serious as he spoke, saying, "Drey. Seriously. Behave in there today. I don't know what his problem is, but he's dangerous. You remember what happened to Grease, don't you?"

I nodded solemnly, remembering. Grease had been a close friend of Seth's a few years back, and had mysteriously disappeared one day after dissing Cobra in public. Rumor was our imperial snake had a few of his bully boys take Grease down a dark alley and make sure he never came out. Of course, no one could prove it, so Cobra remained our leader and we all had our fingers crossed that he wouldn't decide to do the same to us.

"You're late." King Cobra hissed angrily as Seth and I walked through the door of the gang's official headquarters. "The meeting started fifteen minutes ago."

I smiled ingratiatingly as I took my customary seat on the floor to Seth's right. "Sorry, Cobra. We had a bit of a situation -- my hair wouldn't stay flat. And you know I don't trust anyone but Navajo here to do my hair." Seth's long hair was a standing joke throughout the gang... it was longer than mine. And Seth was anal about taking care of it -- you might say it was his one vanity.

Cobra was obviously in a bad mood. Normally, I could walk in an hour late and he wouldn't say anything, or, if he did, it would be some dumb flirtatious comment that I would respond to and make him forget my indiscretion. This time, though, he glared at me, barely taking time to rake his eyes over the generous amount of skin my outfit exposed. "Sit down. We'll discuss this after we're done."

I was a good girl, just like Seth had ordered -- I didn't even point out that I was already sitting.

Cobra sat down on his 'throne', still giving Seth and me angry looks. "As I was saying before Navajo and Jammy over there decided to bang on in, we have a situation."

Fifty-one pairs of eyes stared at him, waiting for him to continue. "Someone has been ratting us out to the cops."

A collective gasp ran across the room. A rat in our midst? Impossible. We were so careful about who was inducted... there was a testing process, hazing, tattooing at the end... who could possibly go through all that if they didn't really want it? I had barely gotten through it myself... without Seth, I wouldn't have.

"I have no substantiated proof, obviously," Cobra continued, after clearing his throat, "but I have my guesses about who it is." His eyes scanned the room, and to my horror, landed right next to me.

On Seth.

Whew!

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 01:30:39 GMT

Wow, its been a while since I posted on here. Things have been totally nuts lately. Senior year is nothing like I was expecting. It seems like everyone is different and has their own agenda, even the friends I've had for years. I don't know anything anymore, everything feels like it's tilting a way I dont want it to.

Most important things first. College. I went to visit Mansfield, and I really liked it. I've got it narrowed down to three, and am hopefully going to apply sometime this week. PSU, Mansefield, and IUP. I like all of them, and I don't know what I'm gonna do if I get into all three. It'll probably come down to wherever gives me the most financial aid. Joy. Money problems.

If I don't get a bunch of aid and loans, Im not going to college. End story. My parents can't co-sign because they have their own student loans, and I'm not applicable for financial aid. What am I gonna do, you ask? Wish I knew.

My creative writing class is a joke. My teacher -- not even a professor -- is a total ass that spends more time bashing religion than teaching. He also hates 'abstract' poetry, which is apparently what I'm good at. It's a lot of work for nothing. I'm also taking two other dual enrollment classes this year, and another actual college class in the spring. When I start college, my whole first semester will be done. That's really the only good thing that's gonna come out of it.

I only have one more football game ever. One. It's totally surreal -- I had senior night, got a rose, oh, and Mr. Gable came back to visit. The only thing he said to me was, "Is that a sax?" I just kinda laughed.

So much work! Band and county chorus crap has been keeping me away from home, and as soon as that's all over -- Nov. 1 -- county and district band practices start, as long with district chorus. I gave up my homeroom to take spanish and do show choir, and it's a nightmare. No free time at all. Then, drama will start in December, and jazz band, and I started voice lessons again, oh, and Darya and I are giving a concert in December for the grange.

Let's see, what else is going on? Oh, senior project. Me and Amanda Krause are doing the programs for the drama production this year, so that'll be some more stress when drama season comes around. I really want a lead! REALLY!

Still no license... no time for a job, no time for practicing, no time for breathing!

I'm still in my Jonas phase, and I'm looking forward to trying NaNoWriMo in November, too.... I'm never gonna meet the mark, but I have a great outline and plan, so I'm psyched. I've recently gotten into Chick lit -- Sarah Dessen books are awesome, and Meg Cabot books make me giggle. I'm so ready for Christmas. I need more reading material!

Well, I should go -- I'm running out of things to whine about, and I want to read fanfiction, or at least write some. I'll give y'all an update soon.

Trickle of Betrayal

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 04:33:03 GMT

After my unintentional vacation from the group... I come bearing a new story.

Title: Trickle of Betrayal

Author: Addictedtotwilight or evenafterdeath

Rating: Everyone

Spoilers: through Breaking Dawn

Warning: Sam seems kind of cruel.

Pairing: slight Sam/Emily

Summary: First Jacob. Then Seth. Then Leah, Quil, Embry... how did Sam feel throughout this trickle of betrayal? The separation of the Pack? Who is the Quileute Alpha, really?

I gave the orders, backing them with the weight of the Alpha behind me. I was so sure of my own power, of the Pack’s loyalty… even of myself to see that I was making a terrible, terrible mistake. I was driving Jacob to the edge – I realized that. But I thought he could handle it. I thought that he would be content to remain where he was – under me, under my command, doing what I deemed important. The proverbial wool over they eyes had blinded me to all shortcomings in myself, and the limits of my brothers. Now, I was going to have to pay the price.

We need the whole Pack for this. Jacob, you are our strongest fighter. You will fight with us tonight. My voice rang with command. He fought the command, giving me an adrenaline rush as the voice of the Alpha reduced his will to nothing. In a werewolf pack, the lesser members had no voice when the Alpha chose to take it from them.

I had always tried to avoid using this power over them – it was nearly impossible to inspire loyalty and friendship when someone was always taking free will away from the people he was depending on to have his back.

But tonight was a different story. Tonight, I needed them all to obey without question. The only way to ensure that Jacob and Seth would both listen was to take away their decisions. They were too close to the subject of this mission, but I needed them to fight – we would be way too outnumbered to even have a prayer if we didn’t bring every fighter we had.

Actually, the relationship between Seth and the bronze-haired bloodsucker was still a mystery to me. Sure, I could read Seth’s mind anytime I wanted – and sometimes when I didn’t want to – but I still didn’t get it. Seth felt as if he owed something to Edward, mostly because of the fight when they had been on the same side. But he had known it was only temporary! The alliance between their species had existed only long enough to see everyone safe – it had long since ended! Yet, be that as it may, Seth still saw himself as Edward’s ally. An out and out mystery.

Jacob’s reasons were nowhere near as much of a mystery. We were going to have to kill the one girl he had ever loved – and he didn’t want to do it. End of story.

I wouldn’t lie, killing the human – I refused to personify her, even in my thoughts. She was going to be dead before the sun rose tomorrow, and it was going to be hard enough without premeditating on it – was a horrible thing. But it had to be done. The – thing – she was carrying could not be allowed to live.

I began to plan, pulling my brothers’ – and sister’s – minds with me as I explained. Jacob and his wings – our strongest fighters – would take the deadly blonde, Jasper, and the big one, Emmett, the coven’s strongest fighters. That way, Jacob would be far out of the way of the real fight – the fight for Bella’s child.

The weakest links of the coven, Alice, the tiny psychic, blinded by our presence, and Esme, the motherly figure who had never been trained for combat, would be the responsibility of Leah and the younger boys, Collin and Brady, and Seth, if he didn’t object to being put under his sister’s command.

I continued assigning attack patterns for several minutes, until Jacob’s sickness had me on edge. I felt no empathy for his situation – it was his own damn fault, after all. If he had listened to me this morning and hadn’t gone tearing after Edward like a maniac, we wouldn’t have known about this abomination, and none of this would be happening.

Or, if he would just accept the orders like the rest of the Pack had done and focus on his part of it instead of mine and Jared’s, he wouldn’t be thinking like this.

I controlled my anger for another few moments, until I heard his thoughts yet again, louder and more morbid than before. Killing Bella was like killing himself – he had no reason to exist were she to be killed.

I howled in outrage, snapping around to face him, the Alpha very much in evidence in my tone. Pull it together, Jacob. The Tribe comes first. Surely he wouldn’t doubt that now, after all we had been through since attaining our destined gifts! He and I had always been of the same mind when it came to bloodsuckers and protecting our people – the vampires died to protect the people. It was the law. What had changed in his head?

It’s possible that the Alpha spirit had been touching him then, and that’s what was setting my temper so near to boiling, but naturally, I didn’t recognize it. All I saw was a subordinate that had forgotten his place, and let it pull away all of the control I had worked for years to attain.

Jacob was no threat to me, I assured myself. I even proved it by bringing him to his knees when he tried to defy my next order. As he fell to his belly under me, I wanted to howl to the sky in triumph. No one could defy the Alpha. No one, not even Jacob Black.

***********

I was afraid, I will admit it. Not afraid for myself, I would do what was necessary to protect our people, our way of life.

No. I was scared for my brothers, and my lone sister. There was no hope that we would all make it back… it was a matter of who would not be returning. Who would I lose? Who would I fail?

Jacob, whose free will and dignity I had already stolen? Whose beloved I had already condemned to death? These were all failures – what if it was him who perished in his ordeal? How could I live with myself?

Or what if it was Leah who didn’t make it back? Leah, whose heart I had broken. Leah, who had to watch the man she was in love with marry another woman. Leah, who had to see the pity and loathing on my face every day because of the dirty trick destiny had played on us. What if she were lost tonight? Could I accept that? Could I survive with that on my conscience?

Or what if it were one of the young ones? Seth – whose will I had stolen right along with Jacob’s. Or Collin, or Brady, whose parents were trusting me with the well-being of their children?

And what about all of the others? Jared, Paul, Quil, and Embry – they all had loved ones waiting for them at home. How could I come back and say to their parents, “Oh, we had to attack a coven of vampires, your son died, sorry, well, gotta go.”?

I was pulled out of my morbid thoughts by the best of Jacob’s friends – and possible half-brother – begging him to just accept my will and move on. It would be so horrible if he just focused on his part of it. Apparently, Quil, Embry, and he ‘owned’ Jasper and Emmett. That couldn’t be so bad, right?

Had I been human, a horrible, sadistic smile probably would have transformed my face into something evil. Jacob had no choice but to follow orders – their begging was unnecessary. I had already won.

Now, when I think back on it, it’s possible that they saw what I couldn’t. They saw that Jake had the power to break away, to disobey and go his own way. They remembered his heritage – unlike me. If only I had taken the time to listen to their thoughts, maybe things would have gone differently. But I guess I’ll never really know.

I was so blinded by my own power that I didn’t even notice when things began to change. I strode casually over towards Paul and Jared, still mentally patting myself on the back for putting down Seth and Jacob’s rebellion.

I didn’t even notice when Jacob removed himself from the Pack consciousness. I just went on planning and scheming. We should use a wheel attack pattern coming in, as long as they were separated, it would work best. If that didn’t work, we would – Paul and Jared tensed, alerting me to the presence behind me.

I turned to see Jacob standing beside me, now a good half a foot taller in the shoulders than I. My lips drew back over my fangs in a feral snarl – something I didn’t understand. My every instinct was screaming to attack, to fell this threat before he had a chance to fell me.

I controlled the screaming with some difficulty, then cocked my head to the side, waiting.

Something had definitely changed. Not only did he now stand taller than I, but his russet fur gleamed with authority; his back straight, and stance proud. He did not walk with respect for me, like all the rest did, as he had done before that moment. He walked bearing the heavy load of leadership. He walked as one who bore the clout of an Alpha.

No. His voice rang clearly in my mind, matching the power and double timbre of my own.

I felt myself lunge back in surprise, a visceral reaction that I nearly kicked myself for. Now he would sense weakness. I must not show weakness – but why? He was stronger – big deal. He would still bow to me, as he always had. Even if he did not like it.

Jacob? I searched for his true thoughts, more than just the words that he let me hear, but there was nothing. Only silence -- and that one simple, resounding, ‘no’. What have you done? I demanded, horrified. Something was more different than I had ever imagined. Something horrible, I was certain.

Truly, it had to be horrible. It had to be – because I knew, instinctually, that we were speaking only because he allowed it. Instinctually, I knew that out of the two of us, I was not the stronger. That rankled, and got fed the flames of my anger, teasing the usually iron bars of my self control.

I won’t follow you, Sam. He spoke again in that same calm tone, ringing with righteousness. Not for something so wrong. I heard the regret in his voice – he didn’t like the choice he had made. He may even believe it was wrong… but it didn’t change anything.

I wanted to scream, rage, phase back to human and shake him until his teeth rattled around in his head. Until good sense presided once again in his mind. Obviously, I didn’t do any of these things. I settled for a reply I knew would hurt him, much more than my physical abuse ever would.

You would… you would choose your enemies over your family? I watched as the pain I felt was mirrored in every other Pack member’s eyes. They would stand behind me when Jake made his bid, I knew it. It didn’t stop this from hurting them, though. My mind voice was full of shock and fear… I knew what he heard. He heard the voice of one defeated.

He seemed to hesitate at my words, and I was able to hope, for that one instant, that he had recognized his actions for insanity and would change them.

The small flicker of hope was extinguished as he began to speak again, unsure and sad. They aren’t our enemies. They never have been. Until I really thought about destroying them, thought it through, I didn’t see that.

I read his frustration through his body language, knowing that he was having as much trouble accepting his actions as I was. Almost, anyway.

Could he truly believe that the Cullens were his allies? The answer was obvious as I thought about it – of course not. He had been brought up the same way the rest of us had – to hate and fear them. This wasn’t, and had never been, about the leeches.

It was about Bella. The girl who had ripped his heart out and left him bleeding. The girl who had caused him to run away from home and try to forget who he was. The girl, who even now, chose a leech over him. The girl who was willing to die to bear vampire spawn into the world.

I told him as much, my heart tightening as I saw the pain in his eyes at my harsh words. These were words I would never have dared to even think before – so I didn’t hurt Jacob. Now, here I was, breaking more promises.

I had promised him, that very morning that I would never take his will away from him. What had I done, just ten minutes ago? Left him with nothing, no options, no dignity.

I had promised him – the whole Pack, really, that we would protect human life, and what was I ordering now? That we cold–bloodedly murder an innocent girl.

And now? Well – I had promised myself that I wouldn’t hurt anyone else unnecessarily ever again – not after Leah. And here I stood; using the words I knew could bring the most pain to his eyes.

What had I become? Who was this horrible stranger in my skin?

To my surprise, Jacob didn’t deny my accusations. Maybe you’re right. But you’re going to destroy the Pack over her, Sam. No matter how many of them survive tonight, they will always have murder on their hands. The same mind voice I had known since Jacob phased for the first time answered me, bringing me back to that time when things had seemed so black and white. When all there had been was emotion and right and wrong.

How dare he call me a murderer? Didn’t he understand how hard this was – that it had to be done, no matter what the price? This… this thing Bella was carrying would have no control over itself, and would kill anything that smelled appetizing. The one for the many, the saying went, and was entirely true in this situation. If we didn’t kill Bella and her unborn monster now, while we had the chance, it would kill hundreds later. We did what we had to for the good of humans every where. How dare he judge me!

A low growl built in the back of my throat, but I squashed it down in my throat before I could force its way out of my jaw. We have to protect our families. I said coldly, trying to make him see.

How could he deny that this… this… demon child was a huge threat? A disaster, constantly looming on the horizon, waiting to unleash itself upon our families. How could he turn his back on Billy like that?

Or on Rachael? This thought came from Paul, unbidden into my mind. He understood less that I did… Rachael was his world, and, of course, he expected her brother to feel as strongly for her as he did. He shook, even though he was already a wolf, from anger.

I calmed him with a touch of my mind, basically ordering him to hold it together. I could only handle so much at one time. Even as a werewolf, I was only human. I tried to convince Jacob one more time, desperate. Maybe I could convince him. Maybe this time, something would get through to him. Jacob, you can’t turn your back on the tribe.

He didn’t even blink. My jaw clenched in frustration, and I bent my will around him, trying to force him to obey. I was the Alpha, damn it. He had to obey. It was his place to fall to his belly beneath me, not resist orders. There could only be one Alpha, and the Pack had chosen me. How could he think he could win?

Then, he spoke the words that changed everything irreparably. The words I knew that would never be forgiven. Ephraim Black’s son was not born to follow Levi Uley’s.

So there it was; his declaration of intent. Did he really think that I would allow him to endanger our Tribe? Did he really believe that the Pack would let him, even if he were to defeat me? Never.

He had missed his chance. Once, after his first transformation, I had made the offer. Offered him his birthright and he had refused. The only reason he had embraced it now was for selfish reasons, and I would be damned if he would get away with it. Over my cold, dead body.

Is this it, then, Jacob Black? I sneered his last name, showing him that his heritage meant nothing to me. He meant nothing to me. Even if you can defeat me, the Pack will never follow you. Low rumbles came from deep within several throats, backing up my claims.

All but four sets of eyes narrowed in my defense – the Clearwater’s, and Jacob’s wingmen simply stared at us.

I should have known Seth would not back me up. He was too set on defending the bloodsuckers to see reason. Leah was another matter entirely. I knew she hated me. Despised the sight of me, just as I did her. But the reason she did was clear in her mind… she still loved me. So why did she stand there, eyes wide with indecision? If there was even one ounce of love in her heart from the time we had shared… how could she falter?

And Quil and Embry’s vacillation was enough to hurt. I knew they were Jacob’s best friends… possibly even close enough to have called themselves brothers even before they were Pack. But didn’t they know their duty? Did they not understand that Jacob was proposing mutiny?

Defeat you? Jacob reiterated in confusion. He reared back; apparently shocked by the turn my thoughts had taken. I’m not going to fight you, Sam. He sounded appalled – could he really not want to hurt me?

For a minute, the kinder part of me took over, wondering what I had done to deserve a friend like Jacob. Then, suddenly, that part was gone, and I was the embodiment of the Alpha spirit.

Ha! As if that puny kid could hurt me! How dare he have the gall to even think such things! Then what’s your plan? I’m not stepping aside so that you can protect the vampire spawn at the Tribe’s expense! I scoffed at the though.

In a deeper part of my mind, I realized this was all madness. I wasn’t fighting for the Tribe, I was fighting for myself. To keep my power, that I couldn’t give up – especially not to this leech-lover.

I braced myself, ready to spring the moment his rebuttal hit my mind.

Instead, he said, I’m not telling you to step aside.

What? Then what exactly did he think to gain by this? We would still be attacking, and he would still be unable to save … her. So, what was the point of tearing apart our family when he wasn’t even going to do anything about it?

If you order them to follow you – I began, now unsure of the ground I stood on. What was Jacob playing at?

I will never take anyone’s will away from him! Alpha Jacob interjected venomously, judgment coloring his tone. I recoiled from his disapproval, recognizing that his anger was warranted. What I had done to him was inexcusable – but it was too late to sit around reminiscing about it now.

The anger in my chest flared back to life at the thought… and probably the fact that my instincts were whispering something else in my ears. I could hear the Alpha in his tone, and part of me, part of the wolf – the part now hidden by my tyrannical attitude and hurtful pride – knew that Jacob was the True Alpha of the Quileute Pack, and I was just an interloper. Something in me wanted to bow to the command in his voice.

There can not be more than one Alpha. The Pack has chosen me. Will you rip us apart tonight? Will you turn on your brothers? Or will you end this insanity and join us again? My words were unfair. I knew there was no way to just turn off the Alpha instinct. Jacob was forever changed now, and I was going to have to face that fact, and so was he.

Silently, I begged him. My man self fell to his knees, begging. Do not make the cause of more suffering, please. Please, don’t do this. Unbidden, unwanted, Leah’s face – human face – sprang to the front of my mind. Her eyes glimmering, too angry to really cry. Hatred, jealousy, pain. This was the face she had worn when I had explained about imprinting, and about… Emily.

Ah… Emily. My other half. The one whose flesh had rent beneath my claws in a fit of temper. Whose looks and life I had ruined, who suffered still, now living with me, forced to see her one time best friend with condemnation in her eyes for being the assistant heart breaker.

Would Quil and Embry look at me with the same condemnation now? Would they view me as the reason their brother had run mad and left them forever? Would they blame me for the loss of their best friend – make me the source of their suffering?

And what of Seth, who was suffering for a friend already? Who mourned the loss of his bloodsucker that I hadn’t even killed yet? Would he follow Jacob? Would any of them follow his lead, because, well, maybe, he could be right.

Angry snarls echoed around in the chambers of my mind, drawing my attention from the dawning competition right in front of me.

Paul and Jared would have attacked Jacob then, hamstringed him and tore his throat out for making my doubt my authority, myself. They were true friends… brothers. I didn’t deserve them.

Quil and Embry were pointedly ignoring my thoughts – all they did was beg for me to end the insanity and bring Jacob back to them. Bring him back, and forgive him. It wasn’t fair to judge him now – we all knew how he felt about Bella, and we had crossed the line first, by asking him to kill her.

Jacob broke into my census, saying, There is only one Alpha for this Pack. I’m not contesting that. I’m just choosing to go my own way.

I couldn’t avoid Leah’s thoughts as she heard this. Her wishes that she could follow, or at least tear away like Jacob had somehow managed to do. Her pleading prayers that she would never have to set eyes on me or Emily again.

The pain of her revelations renewed my anger, the anger that had been shocked out of me by Jacob’s words. If I had managed to retain control, I would have heard Seth’s thoughts.

His intentions. Been able to head off his plans. But, hindsight is 20/20.

Do belong to a coven now, Jacob? I mocked scornfully, laughing at his pain. He squirmed beneath my gaze, while I wondered why, back in the good part of my mind – why I was treating my brother this way. He was still my friend, a trusted advisor… my second in command, that I cared for as such. And Hell, I even understood where he was coming from! Why was I so ready to kill him.

I don’t know, Sam. His voice was heavy with grief, but still carried the weight of the Alpha behind it, making me recoil. He had been born to lead me. I was defying the law. My Alpha blood soared to meet his, and suddenly I knew. The Alpha was the murderous one in my head. I was sharing a mind with a killer – the wolf.

But I do know this – I will stand between you and the Cullens. I won’t just watch while the Pack kills innocent people. The Pack is better than that. Lead them in the right direction, Sam. His tone of command sent me shrinking back in shame.

While I hid in my cowardice, he turned his back on me, his brothers, his home, and his destiny, to protect bloodsuckers.

To do what he believed was right.

To be twice the man I would ever be.

The Pack began to howl in fury and despair, their cries raising my hackles. I added my anger and frustration to theirs, crying to the moon that had allowed this to happen.

Jacob was gone.

*********************

Jacob was gone. Gone. Gone. The word echoed in the entire Pack’s minds. We were all unable to process this. Jacob had been a rock, a valued member, a valued friend. A brother. What would we do without our brother?

Embry and Quil were still accusing the sky, wondering why their cries had gone unheeded. Jacob was gone from them, too. What if I made them fight him? How would they live with themselves if they had to hurt him? And how could they kill the thing Jacob was willing to give up his life to protect? How?

I forced my way out of their tumult of emotions, unable to stand it any longer. They mourned, truly and deeply. I couldn’t take it.

Paul and Jared were still angry, but they felt the loss as acutely as the rest of us. Paul felt it twice as much… for himself, and for his soul mate, who had lost a brother this day. She would be inconsolable, something that was unacceptable to Paul. Jared wanted to know how Jacob could just give everything up like that – his dad, his family, friends, everything, for nothing. He, too, wanted answers that I did not have.

Collin and Brady didn’t really understand any of this. They knew Jake was gone, which saddened them, but they were so young they didn’t grasp the enormity of the situation. Someone was going to have to explain, but it wasn’t going to be me. I couldn’t do it.

Seth and Leah were the two whose minds I was wholly unprepared for. Jealousy and longing exuded from both of them. Hope was also clear in them, hope that they could follow. Hope, from Seth, that he could do the right thing. Hope – from Leah – that this act could be replicated and she could escape my all seeing gaze.

Of course, Leah caught me rummaging in her head and sent a wry smile into my mind. Relax. I wouldn’t do it if I could… It’s just –

An intriguing idea? I suggested, completely reassured. Leah couldn’t lie to me in this form. Ah… the idiocy of the desperate. I could have spared myself a lot of shock and hurt later if I had stayed with her. But I didn’t, and I must live with the consequences.

Seth just wanted to do what he believed was right, which was protecting the vampires, our former allies. Edward and Bella were his friends, and he didn’t feel he could betray them in the way I wanted him to.

You’re wrong, Sam. So wrong. They aren’t our enemies. Were the last words he spoke as part of our Pack. Then, suddenly, he vanished from the Pack mind, though he clearly hadn’t phased. The scrawny, sandy brown wolf still stood in front of me, now taller than before. Apparently, he had been promoted.

Leah searched for her brother’s mind frantically, seeming strangely maternal. Seth! She howled. Come back, you stupid twit! But I could feel the jealousy radiating from her mind. She longed to follow his example, but couldn’t.

I was reassured again, and knew, without a doubt, that she would not leave us. So, with a heavy heart, I watched Seth sprint through the underbrush to join Jacob. He would be happier now, though I was ruined. Nothing would ever be right again.

Horrified silence now seemed louder than the earlier cacophony. The Pack could only watch in stunned silence as he disappeared, and I wanted to keep the silence.

I phased back to human, not minding the nudity. The Pack did not deserve to hear my thoughts now. I wouldn’t do that to them.

After all, this was my fault, not theirs, this trickle of betrayal.

And I could do nothing about it… aside from wonder who would be next to follow in the footsteps of a true Quileute warrior. And mourn.

***********

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 03:55:44 GMT

Wow, it's been a while. I've been reading back over my other entries, and, boy, was I wrong about a ton of stuff. I havent had to deal with shity choral director since school let out, and that got rid of a ton of stress. I got through all my singing gigs and did reasonably well, and I went on a college visit at PSU... and discovered I actually have a decent chance of gettin in *fingers crossed*.

Um... let's see. Band with the new director. Ugh. Well... I've discovered that I really like Mrs. Sproull as a person, but I'm not sure about her as a band director. She tries to be too strict... rules worse than Mr. Gable... but she lets people break them all the time, which doesn't let us respect her. But we still look pretty good, so I don't really know. Oh, on the band page... I'm randomly playing sax instead of piccolo now. We needed more saxes, so I switched... for my last year in band. Weird, huh?

Oh, and my last parade ever was the Clearfield parade on Monday... we won, and I seriously cried. I'm never going to march with the West Branch Warrior Band during the summer again. Scary. I have no idea what to make of that... anyone else?

Let's see... I got my senior pics done... they're gorgeous. I still don't have my license... I can't get it until I get a job, which is kinda hard over here... Becky got a job working at Greenwich... Greenhills? Village as a PCA nurse in State College... I found an obsession in the Jonas Brothers, yes I am as lame as I sound... I loved Camp Rock. I went to Disney with the Band and registered for a college class that starts the day before school does -- creative writing, and it's sounding like a lot of fun. Breaking Dawn comes out the day after tommorrow, and I'm going to the Midnight Release party tommorrow night... so excited!

Well... that's really it, I think. Nothing big happening in Morrisdale, as always. Well... I've got to get up early for eye appt tomorrow, so I'm hitting the hay. Nightie night!

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:55:39 GMT

So, I finished the last of my finals today, and am officially a senior. Whoo!!!!! Just one more year of the Hell we call high school. Everything's gonna be pretty mellow now... just hanging out in class rooms til Friday. Plus, I'm mentoring the little kids' field day Wed, and we don't have school Thurs, so this week is basically just tommorrow. Yay.

We started marching band today with our new director. It doesnt seem too different yet...although, she was an elementary teacher before, so she treats us like we're all children, but that's a minor thing. There's this new chick in my section.... she doesn't talk. At all. Ah! I babble, in case you haven't noticed, and it's torture to sit and talk to someone who refuses to answer you back. Other than that, nothing much to report there.

I think the gang and I are planning some big party thing Wednesday night... that should be fun. We're gonna burn all of our school crap and roast s'mores over it. Symbolic, right? Camping was disscussed, but I think I vetoed that. *fervrent sigh* I hate camping. Then, I think we're just heading to Becky's for a movie night to celebrate our new seniority. Tim may not be included... Becky's kinda iffy about him right now.

Darya is talking about going to school in London. Appparently, there's a big call for immigrants over there... and she is from Russia, so that would be good. And, the top architectural engineering school is over there, so of course she's drooling at the prospect.

I'm starting to really look at colleges now... Gannon, PSU, Mansefield, and Clarion are my top choices. I think I'm gonna apply to all of them and see where I get accepted. If I don't get into PSU main, I'm not going there. Branches suck.

Becky's looking at something near Pittsburg... Messiah? I don't know... apparently, it has an excellent nursing program, which is what she wants. Personally, I don't care where she goes, as long as she gets out of that house. I hate her parents. long story.

Tim is definitely going out of state, so we're probably going to lose touch. I don't know how I feel about that.

Why am I talking about all of this? Because early admission starts in August. Which means I have to figure out where I want to be admitted. Plus, it just feels like everything is shifting. I got called a senior for the first time today... wierd. Really, really wierd.

Well, I promised my readers that as soon as finals were over that I'd start wrting again... I"m off to fulfill that promise.

Adieu.

Utter Insanity...

Mon, 26 May 2008 02:50:07 GMT

Ok, I'm checking out all the things going on this summer into my senior year...
Marching band with new director.
Chorus with psycho director. Yes, I decided to stay in it. Why? I have no idea.
Show Choir. With same psycho director. Do I have a death wish?
District Choir. I must be suicidal.
Our school is hosting county choir, I'm on the comittee. Rev your razors, ladies and gents.
Concert band and jazz band with new director. Shouldn't be too bad...
Senior year of drama with new 'family friendly' requirements. Hate the new superintendent.
Student government with new directors. Why is everyone retiring?
Senior pictures.
Re-taking SAT's. I only got an 1110 without writing. Not good enough to get me into PSU main.
Mission trip and other Youth Group stuff.
Florida Trip.
Family Vacation.
My 17th birthday.
Getting my drivers license. Finally!
Applying to colleges.
Hanging out with friends -- their 18th b-days are coming up!
Dual enrollment --college classes in highschool --.
AP English. College Prep Writing.
Senior Wills.
Senior Nights.
Breaking Dawn is released.
Getting all my community service hours -- neccessary to graduate. Damn.
Senior project(s).
National Honor Society.
SInging for Church and at Bryan Ennis's memorial thing.
Dreading the future.
So, I'm officially terrified of being a senior. Anyone else sharing this sentiment? Everything feels like it's happening at once, and I"m not ready. I'm beginning to wonder if my novel's ever going to be finished! At least school's winding down... finals are this week. Wish me luck, and everyone have a great holiday!

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 00:39:39 GMT

So, life sucks.
Check out for my calendar for this week...

Mon: District Chorus practice after school til 6. Come home and sleep.
Tues: District Chorus practice after school til 6. Come home and get on the computer, then sleep.
Wed: Foresight test. District Chorus after school til 7. Then start setting up for district Jazz until 9. Come home and sleep.
Thurs: Foresight tests. Help out at Jazz fest until 9. Come home and pass out.
Fri: Help out at Jazz til 9. Come home and crash.
Sat: At school at 7am, til 2, helping with District Jazz. Come home, catch up on sleep.
Sun: Church. Homework. Sleep some more in anticipation for the next week.
Mon: Up at 5. Darya picks me up, go to Sheetz, then school to practice through home room. Then stay after school for district chorus practice, then sing at basketball game. Go home, die.
Tues: Same schedule as Mon, without b-ball game. Go home and pack.
Wed. Two hour delay at school, get out at 1:45. Leave for District chorus. Audition, get to host family's at 10. Sleep, wish I was dead.
Thurs: District chorus til 10. Back to host family's.
Fri: District chorus til 10. Die.
Sat: Dist chorus and concert til 3. Go home, pass out until Sunday morning.
Sun: Church. Finish writing english paper... only supposed to be 3 pages, already 26. Yikes.

On a lighter note, I went to the Rascal Flatts concert at the Bryce Jordan Center on Saturday night. IT WAS AMAZING!!!! I want to go again. Sigh.

Well, I'm gonna go get my ass chewed on at the BT Virtual Season... they really don't like me there, apparently, my 16 year old self is not a good enough writer for their group of adults that have all been through college.

Hey There...

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 02:23:40 GMT

Hey there, everyone! I'm new here, so I've got a shiny new story to show y'all. Enjoy!

Title: Making the Rounds
By: me
Summary: Tracy sings of the rounds for her and Link's relationship. What happens when her dreams come true?
Rating: Teen

Round One: He’ll ask me on a date… Link asks Tracy out for their first date after their life-altering kiss on the Miss Teenage Hairspray Pageant.

“Hey, Trace! Wait up!” Link Larkin’s voice calls from behind her. She stops immediately, feeling her face light up and her heart start to pound.

“Oh, uh, hi, Link,” she stammers. Even after their kiss on live television and all the time they had spent together before, she still couldn’t control her reaction to him. He was everything she had dreamed of for so long, and now, he was talking to her at school. It didn’t seem possible, and she keeps waiting to wake up and find out that it was all a dream.

“Hey, little darlin’. How’ve you been? It seems like we keep missin’ each other,” he says, a confused expression on his breath-taking features.

It was true. She had been avoiding him as much as she could – blushing and stammering aren’t good ways to make the right impression on a guy she desperately wants, and after that mind-blowing kiss, that’s all she was able to do.

“Uh, yeah, I guess so,” she winces at the stammer in her voice, and wants to kick herself in her own overly large backside.

Link gives her one of his heart-stopping smiles, and says, “Well, how ‘bout we do somethin’ ‘bout that? After the show on Friday, Corny’s havin’ a big party at his place to celebrate the show bein’ integrated. You wanna come with me?”

Her heart nearly stops beating. Link Larkin just asked her on a date! “Come… with… you?” she clarifies, terribly confused.

Link’s smile falters unsurely. “Well, yeah,” The hurt in his face nearly makes her giggle. Did he really think that she was going to refuse him? She hastens to assure him that she definitely wants to go with him.

“Yes, yes, of course I want to go with you!” she blurts, and her face flushes. That was way too forward. But he had thought that she didn’t want to go with him, which was so far off it was practically in China, and, well… she just doesn’t know what to say to him. In real life, living her dreams was a lot more difficult.

She was embarrassed to even think about her daydreams now… Link, running up to her, passion in his eyes. Link, sweeping her into his arms and kissing her senseless. Herself, holding his hand and pointing at something in the distance. They all seem so silly now, when it’s actually happening.

His smile returns, and he reaches up slowly to brush a piece of hair that had escaped this morning’s dose of Ultra-Clutch up into her ‘do.

“Cool. I’ll swing by your place after rehearsal, and take you home after. That cool?” Link continues to question.

“Of course,” she replies, still mystified by this turn of events.

He shoots her one of his trademark ‘Link Wink’s and mutters, “Cool. See ya at practice,” and spins on his heel, starting to run when the school bell signals his tardiness.

She watches him go, a euphoric feeling building in her chest. She was going on a date with Link Larkin!

On her way to class, she begins to dance… bell- hop, bell- hop, turn, shimmy, sway, mash potato, mambo…

Holy Moly! What was she going to wear?

Update...

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 18:18:58 GMT

So, I got back from District Band yesterday, missed regions by two. Not that I mind... it was terrible. So long and boring... and I was tired the entire time because we were up at six and not in bed til midnight. Ugh. And the bed I was sleeping in at my host family's place... who were all insane, I'm positive, was way to short and I kept banging my toes off of the bottom. All in all, it was miserable. My whole body hurts...especially my arm from holding up my flute. On the up side, I met a guy there who is gorgeous, and really nice. Too bad I won't ever see him again... he's a senior.

Well, yesterday was Darya's birthday, so Tim, Becky, Sav and I are headed to her place again... we were just there last weekend for movie night... and spending the night, then we're going ice skating and out to eat tommorow, since there's no school.

I have a ton of homework that I should be doing, but I'm not. My AP midterm is a take home essay, and I need to study for the rest of them, they're all this week. Goody. I should probably sign up for the SAT's too, but I dont want to.

Well, I'm gonna go procrastinate more on the Twilight Archives....

Woohoo! A Werewolf!

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 18:45:50 GMT

</div>

I thought this was amusing... stole it from Silly Bella's last post. Teehee, at least I got a Stephanie Meyer approved monster...
Anyway, I got to drive in the rain for the first time today... it was pouring. I thought I was in Forks for a while, actually. I'm almost finished with the first chapter of What Could Have Been... it turns out that I already had half of it written and forgot about it. How 'bout that? Well, I've got to go make cookies for our Christmas Eve Party tomorrow... so have a great day, and if I don't post before, a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I Lied...

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 01:37:01 GMT

Well, I'm bored out of my mind already, so I'm posting again. Oh well. I just got a whole bunch of new icons that I can't wait to use... and no one's updating anything on here. Grr. Oh well.
So, we started making cookies today... we won't get as many made as we usually do considering we usually take an entire week to bake them all, but oh well.
I can't wait for drama to start! I'm so excited about having this part... fun!
I finally started writing a new Twilight story... I figured that my Blood Ties one could be thrown to the wayside since I'm doing the virtual season. It's called What Could Have Been, and is Jacob-centric. It's about what could have happened to Jake if Edward had never left Bella and she had never gone to La Push... he would never have fallen in love with her, and he would be able to find someone else and enjoy being a werewolf. Or would he?
Anyway, I'm going to Darya's on Thursday to work on the song, it'll be good.
I so can't wait for Christmas, my sibs are already counting the presents under the tree. 53, according to my mathematically acclimated sister. Seriously, can't wati.
Well, I'm done babbling, for now. Have a great day!

Today...

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 01:25:14 GMT

I did, in fact, get to go shopping today, and it was a blast. I spent the night at Becky's with Darya and Amanda, and we talked forever.
We got up at seven this morning, even though we were skipping school, and headed out by eight thirty. Everyone met us at Sheetz and we had breakfast, then, we were off to the Mall! Becky ditched me all day, but I hung out with Timmy Jay and Darya, so it was still great.
While we were in the mall, Amanda's boyfriend Patrick called our drama director to find out about the casting list... I got more good news.... I got the role of Mabel, a supporting lead, who is explained in the last post. Of course, I couldn't act excited because Savvy was there and no one else got big parts, but still -- *jumps up and down excitedly*
Darya and I dropped Becky off at work and ate at the Dairy Diner, then headed to State College. We went to Wal Mart and Barnes and Noble, where we spent an hour and a half purusing. And buying. Did I mention the buying? I'm almost broke. Oh well, I got books to hold me over til Christmas, anyway. Then, we started writing a song for chorus on the way home, here's what we have so far, minus the melody, obviously:

It is eternal
always and forever.
Two souls, two hearts, two minds
entwined together.

We're adding harmony and everything, and we're going to try and get Stilson to let the chorus sing it for the Spring Concert. We're going to meet at her house over Christmas break and finish it and write it down, including notes, key, and dynamics. I am so excited!
Well, this is probably it for a while, as the Hols are nearly upon us. Maybe I'll post after Christmas... I don't know. It'll depend on what happens that's interesting. Ciao!

Call Backs...

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 01:12:39 GMT

So, I found out today that I got a call back for a supporting lead in the Pajama Game. Her name's Mabel, and she's an old gossipy lady. It would be so fun to play her... only problem is that one of my friends... who sings as well as I do, and is a year older, is going for the same part. They'll probably give it to her, if for no other reason but becuase she's older. I know this is fair, because I expect the same thing next year, but still.... plus, I don't want her to get pissed at me if I get it and she doesnt. Drama club is so dramatic... and not in a good way.

So, on a lighter note, I fixed up the last chapter of A Prettty Strange Love Story on Twilight Archives... it makes a lot more sense now. I like it, and am ready to keep writing.
I submitted a piece for a writing sample on Blood Ties Virtual Season... not so sure about that one. It'll be interesting to see what they say.

Well, wish me luck at call backs, and at my voice recital, also tomorrow night, and I'll post later.

Hey, Wait. Hope that my parents let me skip school on Friday.... I want to shop!

Ramblings...

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 07:10:20 GMT

I can not get the last episode of Blood Ties out of my head, and it's making me crazy sad. The last thing he said to her... and the look on his face... sob.
So, this weekend was a friends birthday party, and I discovered she also has an account here, thank goodness. I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one I know who has one, and I was feeling lonely.
We stayed up until five in the morning, and I came home and slept, and am now annoyingly awake at... 2:09 am. Disgusting. I'm going to be such a bitch tommorrow morning!
My favorite cousing Cathy came in over Thanksgiving... we had a blast. We swap vampire books and such all of the time, so I love seeing her. She always brings new reading material.
I hate AP History. I have to read six chapters for Thursday in a book that I have absolutely no interest in. Stupid smart people class...
Well, that's all I can think of... oh. I posted the new Twilight story at Tm_Switzerland, and it'll go up on the Twilight Archives later this week.

Goings On

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 22:20:15 GMT

Ok, so I just sent a new Twilight Fic to Nimoko for editing, and then it'll be up. It's a Quil/Claire oneshot. I'm not terribly fond of it, actually, but I worked hard on it, and I want to know how to fix it, and the only way to do that is have other people read it... you guys, since you're probably the most supportive out there.
So, I'm taking a break from my NaNo story.. it's adding unneeded stress to my life. 50k words in a month is just too much. On the upside, procrastinating has given me tons of ideas for fanfics. I'm starting one for Moonlight, on CBS (if you haven't watched it yet, start. Vampirey goodness) and already have one started for Blood Ties, since I wanted to cry after last nights episode.
Well, that's about all for now... aside from the annoying men working in my bathroom making it impossible to pee and my family out furniture shopping for the front porch... so I'll stop rambling and go start writing.

Adventures in the Land of Construction

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 03:38:45 GMT

Wow. Today, we finally started renovating our bathroom. We just built a new garage and sunporch and stuff, and they started knocking down walls and stuff to do our bathroom. I came home from county band today, and there was a giant hole in the place where the shower used to be. No shower for me, I guess. Did I mention the water is turned off? Because it is. I'm going to be a very unhappy camper come tommorrow when I have to go do a concert without my shower. Grr!
I'm pocrastinating on NaNo, so I'm not going to update that yet. If you want to read fanfiction, go to the Tm_Switzerland community and I have some there. Well, that's it for today, Blood Ties is on in twenty minutes and I have to go read someone else's work before I go crazy from my own.

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 19:12:12 GMT

Ok, a poem, for randomness's sake.

Everything has an end,
which really isn't fair.
If it's really just beginning,
then why am I so scared?
Every ending that I see,
feels like it is drowning me.
Nothing ever stays the same,
everything is just a game.
People leave and people die,
it all makes me want to cry.
Why does everyone have to leave?

Yeah, today, not the best day. No, no problems here, just needed to vent.